The siren song of fried white flour and sugar called this week. Ironic, because I am not a doughnut fan. I like 'em, I don't love 'em, so why did I eat SO MANY this week???? Because I have made a public commitment to track my health and I sabotaged myself. At some subatomic level I think I need to be fat. My fat is protecting me, from what, I don't know. However, I am working on finding an answer. I sit here and type this information with a glibness that belies my heartache. "Why" is asked often. I will not make it my excuse for the week, I will throw it out there and continue to seek answers. Why do I need my fat, why do I resist efforts to create health in my life, and why does the thought of "getting" healthy exhaust me??? In truth, being invisible is tough work. I don't think it is my divine nature to seek out the corners and back doors, slipping in and out of life's experiences without being seen. I never set out to be invisible, but it does have a comfortable familiarity to it. My heart is telling me it is time to let go of this "dangerous" familiar and seek a place of light. When one is fat, one is not taken seriously. It becomes a risk to be smaller. More will be expected, and what if I fail those expectations?? Being invisible isn't fulfilling, but it is safe. Maybe that is why I ate a doughnut a day this week. Saturday 8:58 pm 223.1 lbs

Tomorrow . . .

The title of this blog, INVISIBLE, is related to how I feel as a fat person. I will not excuse my girth, nor will I make excuses for my lack of enthusiasm for exercise. I have dieted in earnest for 25 years, and dabbled in dieting 10 years prior. Diets do not work for me, I have lost hundreds of pounds, only to regain them all back. I grooved to the tunes of the 80's while I wore leg warmers and head bands, I swam in the pool at college to the thumping of the original "Rocky" theme song. I tried jogging in the 70's, (before ipods) I hated it! My intent is to blog my progress as I make life-style changes, quit dieting, and flirt with the idea of regular exercise. I am tired of being invisible. I am tired, period. I also made a commitment to my family to run 3 legs of the Ragnar Rely race in June of 2010. I will not let them down. It is time to surface from the pool of invisibility and regain some control over my health and well being. Today is Sunday, September 19, 2010, I weigh 221.9 pounds. I am 56 years old. I am putting it out there, being invisible is no longer an option, and neither is waiting for tomorrow to start.