The siren song of fried white flour and sugar called this week. Ironic, because I am not a doughnut fan. I like 'em, I don't love 'em, so why did I eat SO MANY this week???? Because I have made a public commitment to track my health and I sabotaged myself. At some subatomic level I think I need to be fat. My fat is protecting me, from what, I don't know. However, I am working on finding an answer. I sit here and type this information with a glibness that belies my heartache. "Why" is asked often. I will not make it my excuse for the week, I will throw it out there and continue to seek answers. Why do I need my fat, why do I resist efforts to create health in my life, and why does the thought of "getting" healthy exhaust me??? In truth, being invisible is tough work. I don't think it is my divine nature to seek out the corners and back doors, slipping in and out of life's experiences without being seen. I never set out to be invisible, but it does have a comfortable familiarity to it. My heart is telling me it is time to let go of this "dangerous" familiar and seek a place of light. When one is fat, one is not taken seriously. It becomes a risk to be smaller. More will be expected, and what if I fail those expectations?? Being invisible isn't fulfilling, but it is safe. Maybe that is why I ate a doughnut a day this week. Saturday 8:58 pm 223.1 lbs